Updated: May 8
I've always been that weird loner sitting in the corner not talking to anyone and avoiding mostly all human contact and I never knew why.
I was just weird.
In my younger years, I was alone most of the time, I went out alone or with one other person who was usually family.
I was the Weird One.
I didn't like big groups, I didn't understand the need for people going around in masses,. making noise and partying like crazy. I would rather sit alone in a dark room playing video games, games were my life. I've always been quite consistent with the games I play. I would stick to a select few like the series's of Tomb Raider, Resident Evil & Fallout. Fallout is my all-time favourite now.
Even my time at college was spent mostly alone, climbing the walls of my mind.
I felt a lot of anxiety when people would attempt to make conversation with me. I would never know how to hold a conversation and it would always end in a odd silence.
They always thought I didn't like them, which was far from the truth, they are highly talented individuals.
I was quite specific with the people that I would make friends with. These people are a lot more like me. So we would have something in common and more of a sense of belonging. Friend's of mine over the years suggested that I see a therapist or psychiatrist. Itook a few years to finally gather up the courage to go and find one after a dark hole I fell in sometime around 2016. At 1st I was signed up to cognitive behavioural therapy. Which I was really not ready for, I didn't connect with the therapist so I wasn't able to fully open up to her. As much as I can remember, from the few sessions I managed to go to. She brought up Autism, Something I didn't know anything about.
Still going through the process, I'm still not fully able to open up with my psychiatrist though, we have managed to figure out a few things. He has told me that I have Schizoid & Schizotypal personality disorder. He suggested that I research into these disorders to see if I felt they meant anything to me. After reading everything I could find, I completely agree. The reason I don't feel like I can connect on the same level as others.
The reason for my preferred seclusion.
The reason for the madness that I have gone through at times in my life where everything was like living in hell. My life does get crazy.
I have come to accept who I am.
I will continue to write about the issues I have due to having this disorder in separate blogs.